Politically Incorrect (fiction)

Bill was mad at himself for waiting to the last minute to do what he should have done days ago. The party is in an hour, and he was supposed to bring the beer. On Halloween, it was early evening as he drove around the store parking lot, trying to find a parking space. He guessed everyone else that was there had procrastinated too. He felt less angry with himself but still frustrated. A Werewolf in a BMW was backing out of a space, and he was in the perfect position to take the space. He smoothly pulled his old powder blue Ford Tempo into the space next to a nice silver Landrover that looked familiar to him. He couldn’t place it, though, and shrugged his shoulders. The town isn’t so big he wouldn’t come across someone he knows at the grocery store.

Bill was already dressed in his Chewbacca costume and left the head in his car.

Bill went into the store, and it was packed. About a third of the customers and all employees were dressed in their Halloween costumes. He had grabbed a cart from outside, figuring none would be available inside. Sure enough, at least that paid off. There were none in the inside racks. He navigated around vampires and sexy nurses to get to the beer aisle. The shelves were sparse, and the only beer left was the crappy beer.

Damn, everyone is going to think I’m the cheapest SOB…

He grabbed three cases and unceremoniously threw them in his cart. Then, he navigated to the checkout lines and saw that they snaked down the aisles.

I’m going to be late.

He settled in a line that was way in an aisle and realized he was behind a tall blonde in a satin red short tight dress with spaghetti straps, wearing high heels that accentuated her legs and nice derrière. Her long beautiful blond hair flowed down over her back.

Bill thought to himself, OK, this won’t be so bad waiting in line with this view.

The lines progressed toward the cashiers, and eventually, he was just out of the aisle but still quite a distance to go to check out. But, unfortunately, he wasn’t paying attention in front of him and moved his shopping cart up and bumped the blond woman’s rear.

He quickly apologized, “Oh darn, I’m so sorry miss, I wasn’t paying attention.” 

She turned around and said in a falsetto voice, “That’s OK,” and turned back around.

“Dude, geez, I’m sorry, I thought you were a woman. Great costume.”

Bill was thinking that all this time, he was admiring the butt of a man. I think I will keep that one to myself.

 The guy in the red dress asked, “Excuse me?”

“I said I’m sorry. I thought you were a woman and said, I think you have a great costume.”

“This is NOT a costume, and I am a woman.”

“That Adam’s Apple says different.”

“You Neanderthal, I identify as a woman.”

Bill corrected him, “No, this is a Wookie costume. I just left the head in the car.”

“Aren’t you a bit short to be a Wookie? What are you like five-foot-nothing?”

“No, I’m five-foot-four…almost. I imagine not all Wookies are tall. What are you, like seven feet tall?”

“I’m six-four, and I think all Wookies are tall unless they are five years old.”

In a sincere tone, Bill asked, “You’re not serious about identifying as a woman, are you?”

They were in an area where at least 25 people could overhear their conversation. Half appeared appalled at the tiny Wookie, and the other half were amused. They didn’t have much else to do waiting in line and were fixated on the two’s interaction.

The tall woman said, “Yes, I’m serious. I identify as a woman.”

Bill smiled and said, “Well, you do have a nice ass.”

“You pig!”

“No, it’s a Wookie costume. I left the head in my car.”

A stout woman, two aisles over, with short hair, dressed in a plaid flannel shirt and coveralls, shouted over, “Do you want me to kick his ass for you?”

The tall woman responded, “No, I got this covered, but thanks.”

Bill shouted over to her, “Your lumberjack costume is great,” and gave her a thumbs up.

She shouted back, “Excuse me!”

Shit… He returned the shout,” Never mind.”

Bill addressed the tall woman again, “OK, I get the identifying as a woman thing. To each their own, ya know. But…”

“But what little man?”

“I have some advice.”

“Oh, and what’s that?”

“Me being a man, who identifies as a man, knows and appreciates women…”

“I doubt that you being the size of a 12-year old.”

“Ha, ha. No really. You don’t seem to have much fashion sense.”

The line inched forward toward to registers.

The tall woman seemed genuinely interested in what he had to say. “Go ahead.”

“Well, first, your purse does not match your shoes. You have a brown Gucci handbag, and your high heels are black.”

The woman looked at her purse and then her shoes. “OK, what else?”

“You’ve got more hair on your back than my costume does. You might want to shave it or get rid of it some other way.”

Some of the other customers that were listening were shaking their heads, yes. Some had shocked looks on their faces.

“Your makeup is impeccable…”

“Thank you.”

“…but, you have a thick five o’clock shadow pushing it off your face, I mean, you have more facial hair than my Portuguese grandmother did, and that’s saying a lot.”

The tall woman was obviously fed up with this and said, “OK, you little Ewok, I’ve had enough of you. We can talk more about this in the parking lot.”

You could hear the observers talking between themselves, obviously excited about this soon-to-be confrontation.

Bill replied, “I told you it’s a Wookie costume, not an Ewok. I left the head in the car.”

The tall woman was by then at the cashier and was being checked out. Her cart was full of high-priced wine. It was apparent she was going to a party. She paid the cashier and headed to the exit. “See you outside, little man.”

Bill left his cases of beer in his cart while the cashier scanned them. He paid and headed to the same door that the woman exited. He could see she was unloading her wine into the Landrover that was next to his Tempo.

Bill walked toward his car. Many customers gathered at the big windows of the store to watch the Wookie get his ass kicked by the Trans woman. Someone said, “Man, he is brave. He is walking right to her.”

Bill stopped at his car and opened the trunk to load the beer into it.

The tall woman said, in a man’s voice, “Geez Bill, you have got to be the cheapest guy I have ever met. Couldn’t you get some better beer? I assume it’s for the party?”

“They were out of the good stuff. So as usual, I waited to the last minute.”

The customers inside the store were in a tizzy. Someone said, “So far they are only talking. She seems disgusted with him.”

Bill said to the tall woman, “Jesus! Father Dave, I think we pissed a lot of people off.”

“No, Bill, you pissed a lot of people off and quit saying the lord’s name in vain.”

“Oh, sorry. You went along with it.”

“I couldn’t help it. But, I have to admit, I had a lot of fun. I think we have an audience.” He motioned his hand toward the store windows where a lot of people were gathered, watching. “Ya know we are both going to hell for this.”

Bill said, “Naw, we were just having fun. They were eavesdropping. Is a priest allowed to dress like a woman and go to a Halloween party?”

“Hey, I’m an Episcopal Priest. We are allowed to do just about anything that’s not illegal or immoral. You know, like get married, fornicate with our spouses, and have children. Speaking of which, the twins want to know when their Uncle Bill is going to come to visit again.”

“I hope they know I’m not really their Uncle.”

“Naw, you have always been and will forever be family. You know that.”

“Thanks, Father Dave.”

“Hey, we’ve known each other since Junior High School, just Dave is fine.”

“OK, just Dave.”

The crowd in the store was getting a bit restless. Finally, one said, “I think they are making up. Damn it.”

Father Dave had a questioning look on his face and asked, “Was your Portuguese grandmother really that hairy?”

Bill smiled and said, “Let me put it to you this way; it wasn’t until I was eight years old that I realized she wasn’t my grandfather. May she rest in peace.”

Bill shut his trunk, and Father Dave closed the back of his Landrover. Father Dave said, “Well, let’s give the audience some closure.” He reached over to Bill, and they bro hugged.

Some of the observers sighed, and some seemed disappointed. The lady in the flannel shirt said, “You know what? There is hope for peace and healing in this world. We have just witnessed some of it.”

Father Dave started to drive away, and Bill flagged him to stop. Father Dave stopped and rolled down his window.

Bill shouted to him, “You really do have a nice ass.” Father Dave waved at him dismissively and shouted he’d see him at the party, and drove away.