Security Detail

Most people don’t know that we hired a security group to guard our home many years ago. They are still employed here and have worked out well. They are the Dual Observation Group & Security (D.O.G.S.). Our last security company employees always slept on the job and stole food from the kitchen counter. The latest group just sleep on the job sometimes and occasionally give off noxious fumes.

The director of outside security is Snickers. She observes and reports any potential threats from the outside. She is great at what she does and often runs drills throughout the day. She is amazing in that she can do her observations from the sofa as she can see, smell, and hear from her station. For security reasons, she has many code names; “Snicker-dicker-do,” “Red,” “Pretty Girl,” “Snicker’s-the-Hut,” “Quit-scooting-your-butt-on-the-floor,” and “Shut-up-they’re-only-deer.”

Our bodyguard is Melman. He makes sure that we are safe and secure, and when we are in separate rooms, he constantly checks on our well-being. He will even open the bathroom door when we conduct personal business to make sure we are safe. He finds positions so that he can watch both of us at the same time. For security reasons, he also has many code names; “Melly,” “Mellyman,” Melmadork,” “Buttboy,” “Pubert,” and “Melmadorian.”

Melman’s only weakness are Sky-raisins and Jalapeño Sky-raisins (the ones with stingers). He will retreat to the bedroom and hide under the covers when they are around.

Melman is the record keeper and has an office that is disguised as a dog crate. I don’t know why, but he has a sign at the entrance that says, “No Flash Photography.” It must be a security thing. We occasionally see Snickers go into his office and go through the drawers and papers on his desk. I guess she is auditing the company.